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Oh how I want to be free

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Sep. 3rd, 2011 | 04:25 pm

Last night I deampt that I was in some trippy camping resort and it was the night of apocolypse and somebody aasked me; "How do you feel?"
and I said, "Wonderful, really calm actually, like a walk in the park on a spring day."
And again they asked me, and I told them; "To be honest, I never get scared, because I know that that doesn't prevent the inevitable. I have regret though. I will be dying without a good friend knowing some important facts."
And then, for the sake of the argument, let's call him X, then X came along out of nowhere, and I thought I was going to smile at him, but I did and then I gave him a huge hug and we sorted everything out and walked around with our arms thrown over eachother, chitchatting, back to best friends, and then we met up with some more friends and got in X's car to go someplace.
And I know it seems like the kind of dream a twelve year old would have, but the feeling of happiness and the smiles on the faces and the tones of the voices were so accurate, so real, I did genuinely believe everything was okay for a minute when I woke up.
And then I drank my tea, and remembered.
Sometimes you should just keep your clothes on and ignore what other parts of your body tell you, because in the end the heart is just a big old horny organ that wants action and human proximity and touch 24/7, and even if your brain thinks, "It's fine, we're best friends, neither of us are ready for or want a relationship at the moment, let alone with eachother, this is just a bit of friendly summer love and it can happen as much as it wants to, and we can stop whenever we want to, too" you can never account for the other person's brain.
So I drank my tea this morning feeling sad, and I smoke this cigarette in my toilet feeling dejected, and later I will smoke a spliff feeling resigned. And that is the cycle, I know myself, and it's fine. It is fine.
I just want to be more than fine.

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